User Reviews
Rating: really liked it
My wife and I have accidentally created our own little book club this year. We’ve read The Power as well as Catch and Kill at the same time, engaged in some pretty awesome conversations, and then she insisted I read Fair Play as well.
Fair Play is written for a very specific audience, and it’s also written for women. More specifically, it’s written for moms, and, even more specially, it’s written for moms with husbands and kids. I’m sure partners with or without kids could find value here as well, but the target audience is busy moms who take on a lot of mental and physical work, which includes my wife.
The ideas here are great, but this book is ultimately fluffed up with too much filler and anecdotes to give it length without substance. I did gleam some nuggets os useful information and nodded in agreement with the author’s main premise. I had the chance to classify myself as a “Where’s the Butter?” husband mixed with a few other stereotypes. I learned what extra planning and conceptualizing goes into day-to-day activities that often go unnoticed by me, as I am often trying to find the butter.
The idea of the game is cool, but I didn’t need a chapter that explained each section or each square and what it meant with examples. I didn’t need dozens of stories and quotes from other people. I didn’t need the redundancy. This could have been much shorter, but I get it. You can’t sell an idea or a one page instruction sheet. I get it.
So tonight I’m gonna help me friend move a couch. He’s going to pay me in wings that are not plant-based and bourbon. I’m going to come back home with a full stomach and a lighter head, I’m going to sit down at my kitchen table, and I’m going to play Fair Play. I’m going to CPE the hell out of all of the cards I get. I’m going to find my Unicorn Space and keep giving myself self-care. I’m gonna destroy this game, and my wife and I will live happier lives.
Then, I’m gonna find the damn butter.
Rating: really liked it
An interesting book, and somewhat comforting to read. As a DINK I don't have a lot of these issues talked about in the book, but it has struck me that even though I have a full time job, with a half hour commute on either end, I end up doing all the housework, grocery shopping, meal execution, household repairs, budgeting, etc. while my husband uses his spare time to volunteer, attend political forums, have coffee "meetings" with every mover and shaker in the city, and play on his Ipad. And get cranky when dinner is not planned, or when he is forced to eat leftovers two night in a row instead of having fresh food made for him. So I was excited to get an ARC of this book.
I felt a lot of sympathy for the author, and the other women discussed in the book, as I could see flashes of myself in them, and I actually was (again) SOOOOOOO grateful for the fact that I don't have any children, because there is no way I could deal with those hassles. However, although the author clearly came from a background that should make her empathetic of single working mothers, her book only applies to a married couple. A married couple with a decent amount of education and money, with fairly traditional jobs. I couldn't see how a single parent of several children, who receives minimal support from their former partner, who may be working multiple minimum wage jobs would be able to participate in this card game. Which struck me as odd, since this scenario is very similar to the way the author claims she was raised. She talks her head off about Unicorn Space, but I know full well that working single mothers DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR RESOURCES to partake in such a thing, not matter how much Eve Rodsky insists they can. Despite the fact that at the beginning of the book she makes a vague promise that she interviewed people across racial and socioeconomic backgrounds, I did not once see evidence of this in any of her proposed solutions.
This book is obviously meant to appeal to white, upper middle class, college educated women, which is fine, but that leaves a majority of women out of the conversation, including myself. I wish it had attempted to appeal to a wider audience, especially since there were points made that really struck me. For example, I think the idea of Unicorn Space is a great idea for me, since I haven't pursued it much since I got married. Luckily, I don't have kids, and I have enough in savings to take it on. I also like that she points out that we should all strive to remain interesting instead of becoming stagnant and stuck, but again, this point falls flat to a parent living on the edge of homelessness, trying to get their family from one hour to the next, praying that a missed day of work will not derail them.
It will find an audience, but it won't be me, or anyone I know.
Rating: really liked it
DNF... made it 50% through... this is not for me. 😜❤️📚
Rating: really liked it
Before reading Fair Play, I wondered what would happen to my children if I died. Would they grow up in squalor, never having their hair combed and teeth brushed, or clean clothes to wear? Would they never see the doctor or dentist again for their regular check-ups? After reading Fair Play, I realized that of course not…my kids would be absolutely fine, because my husband is a reasonable and smart man, and thus, he would simply remarry.
Simply stated, Fair Play is about equitably restructuring the domestic division of labor, a complex topic that has been discussed in-depth for decades, but without a revolutionary, systematic resolution, until now. However, before diving headfirst into the depths of this discussion, we would be remiss if we did not acknowledge that this topic of domestic workload overlaps multiple social constructs: sexuality, race, gender, and class. These varying degrees of intersecting socially constructed identities make for real life consequences and differences for those occupying these identities. For example, a white, wealthy, cisgender woman in a heterosexual marriage will have a very different experience than a black, impoverished, transwoman in a same gender marriage. In sum, when you add various social identities together, there are increased odds of having specific types of advantaging or disadvantaging experiences, producing inequity (oppression or privilege) that is compounded over time. However, these differences that our social identities bring into the equation are not what keep us divided. Our refusal to acknowledge these differences and the resulting differences in our oppressions in ways that motivate us to think about and to act against inequity maintains and widens the divisions. It takes compassion, self-awareness and critical consciousness to identify the similarities that exist within our lives across differences while also interrogating the inequities and injustices upon which this country was founded. The topic of domestic division of labor allows us to do both.
The opposite of oppression is equity, justice, or fairness, rather than equality. Equity is the result of a humanizing process that takes into consideration individual circumstances and the differential effects of sociopolitical contexts; whereas equality ignores precipitating, historical and causal factors and only focuses on equal input. Courage and honest dialogue with open-minded listening are required to step up to difficult conversations about past and current injustice, which is the first step out of inequity. Beware of deflection strategies that perpetuate the cycle of inequity. Deflection strategies divert attention from pertinent ideas and actions to irrelevant issues. One deflection strategy is the belief in myths such as the 24-hour woman or the work-life balance. We are taught to believe the impossible is attainable. Inevitably, when we fall short, we blame our shortcomings for failure. We believe there’s something wrong with us rather than fault the myth. Setting the goal for perfection sets everyone up for failure: obviously, a no win situation. The main take away from Fair Play that I received is that we can all win if we play this game of life fairly. In an inequitable system of patriarchy men are more likely to receive systemic advantages over women that may increase their sociopolitical, economic standings to a 7 on the accomplishment scale of 1 – 10; and, women, because of systemic disadvantage, may be at a 4 on that same scale. If we partner to fight for equity, then we can all be at a 9. An equitable system benefits everyone. We all have something to gain and no one has to lose. Equity creates a win-win.
There’s a historical context and a sociopolitical climate that allows the current division of domestic workload to exist. Fair Play brings into focus the role that macro-systems (i.e., culture, norms, mores) play within micro contexts and the cyclical relationship between the public and private sphere, such that, private troubles become public problems and public issues become private struggles. Culture, systems, and policies manifest at the intrapersonal level – that is, within our individual thoughts and behaviors, such as prejudices and discrimination – as well as within our interpersonal relationships. External values invade our homes, controlling our way of domestic life, such that our homes are microcosms of American culture and society. Redistributing the domestic workload requires a paradigm shift from the inequitable practices that occur outside our homes to standards of equity within our homes. Fair Play gives us permission to create our own values that introduce equity into our households, creating an equitable shift in domestic workload, and setting examples for our children: that is the revolution.
Once working towards equity in our private lives, then it’s time to take the fight public to address the socio-structural issues that have squatted for too long in our homes, adversely possessing our minds, relationships and time. It’s important to remember that the issue is not men against women or wives versus husbands. Our partners are not the enemy. It’s not a revolution if we’re fighting each other - rather the fight should be between us and the systems of inequity. Mothers and fathers can work together to transform the system. United households can advocate for affordable childcare options and employment policies that support families. “In a world of possibility for us all, our personal visions help lay the groundwork for political action” (Audre Lorde, p. 112). The sum of our individual differences should not divide us on issues regarding our collective liberation.
Fair Play was not written in a vacuum void of sociopolitical realities. The research in Fair Play was done with due diligence, remaining cognizant of the fact that social science research tends to have samples with people who have dominant social identities (e.g., heterosexual, white). Those samples seem to reflect the identities of those conducting the research. With this in mind, Fair Play had a respectable sample size of 507 people; 37% were people of color. Although Fair Play was not authored by a social science researcher, the sample is probably more diverse than many research studies about the gender division of labor, which suggests that Fair Play has a wider applicability. Although it is difficult to write for a broad audience, Fair Play acknowledges that we share similar experiences across social identities and the inequitable division of labor affects us all. Everyone’s personal situation is nuanced and complex. Thus, the effect of this issue will be different, but the issue remains the same. Regardless of one’s positionality on the social hierarchy, the Fair Play system can provide insight and apply to your particular circumstances. We can start a revolution within our households, sweep the public sphere clean of social norms and cultural mores that uphold inequitable domestic labor practices, producing a ripple effect to future generations, thus, transforming America one marriage at a time. The worst thing we can tell ourselves and our children is: “that’s just the way it is,” because the way it is, doesn’t have to be. We make the choice to maintain or change with every action or non-action. Here’s a thought experiment for you while you read Fair Play: Imagine what could be different about you, your relationships and the world, if we collectively decided to play fair.
Rating: really liked it
This is the October @reesesbookclub selection. As a single woman who lives alone, I did not relate to this book. I find this to be such a miss for RBC as it really alienated me. This was clearly a vanity project for the author and I disliked the tone of several of her statements. I found the game to be confusing, and so much of it is based on your perceived opinions of your partner that I can’t imagine this would actually go over well. Maybe if I was at a different point in life this book would have been more beneficial.
Rating: really liked it
This book is only for two-parent homes struggling to find a balance in at-home responsibilities. There were a lot of things it left unaddressed- such as workaholic spouses, or as numerous reviews stated, any kind of lower-class home (where for example maybe one person works a night shift). If you want it only for that very limited area, it's helpful.
I happen to have a husband who is not only doing a fair amount but might also be doing an equal amount (or more?). But one thing I've noticed in my friends' relationships-- that this book addresses (though perhaps not clearly enough) is that many mothers take on a bunch of tasks that are actually not at all important to their husbands. I think the reason I notice this so much is because I'm not the type of mother who feels like we need to craft for every holiday or decorate to excess or aggressively participate in my children's homework etc. I have "husband standards" for many things. So when I see a friend who is a mother sign each of her kid up for three activities and then bemoan that her husband won't help with all of them- I silently agree with the husband. Her standard is just too high in my opinion. That's why I think the most valuable part of this book is the part where she makes couples agree on their values and what tasks need to get done before they apportion those tasks. The more tasks you can just completely take off the list so that neither person has to do them, the better, in my opinion.
I've been recommending this book to people I know might benefit from it.
Rating: really liked it
I had to stop reading this half way in. She does an extremely unfair job of portraying a man's contribution in the household. The most laughable part to me was when she was splitting up their lists of "shit they do" and gave each of her tasks sub-points. She gave herself "taking care of the pet" and there were several sub-points to the extent of buying the dog food, taking them to vet appointments, etc. Meanwhile, she gave her husband 1) manage the finances and 2) cars and maintenance. TWO THINGS. WHAT?! Taking care of the pet gets a list of sub-points and managing the household finances gets ONE??? Does she understand what all goes into this? I don't know.. just didn't like the light that she shined on what her husband contributed and felt she was coming from a place of man-hating that I can't exactly relate to.
Rating: really liked it
I’m hesitant to say too much about this or rate it because I’m not the intended audience. As such I’m surprised Reese Witherspoon would select a book that alienates a large percentage of her book club readers. This book did make me appreciate all that parents, in particular moms, do. If I didn’t want kids or marriage before I certainly don’t want it now. This sealed the deal.
This is hetero-normative and gendered to the hilt and that’s a real missed opportunity. While same sex couples are mentioned here and there, really examining how non-traditional households handle the never ending to-do list would have been interesting. Also what about exploring the division of labor in the households of other cultures?
I’m sorry but words like “systemization” and “efficiency” and “expectations” appear throughout this. Doesn’t that make marriage and family sound fun and joyous? Yuck! And no amount of “it’s a card game! It’s so fun” is going to change my opinion from yuck.
Again, I recognize that I’m not the audience for this. If you’re an overwhelmed and underappreciated parent, perhaps give this a read you might get a lot more out of it than I did.
Rating: really liked it
The most important thing to note about this book is that it is for women who live with a man (married, most likely) and have one or more children. If that is you and you have the feeling that you are handling a bunch of unseen and unappreciated work around the house, READ THIS BOOK. *note: check out the website fairplaylife.com for her COVID times toolkit*
I was familiar with the concept of emotional labor and the unequal division of work (especially caregiving tasks--doctor's appointments, anyone?) but none of that previous reading went any further than describing the issue. Fair Play not only lays out the common tasks required to keep a house going these days, it provides a framework for discussing them and fully releasing some of them to your partner. It also does a good job of calling out some of the things that women can do that keep the majority of these tasks on their plate.
I implemented the recommendations in my own household, and it's been really awesome. The initial conversation wasn't exactly fun, but it was well worth it. Highly recommend!
Rating: really liked it
Picked up this book because of Reese’s bookclub. Although there was obviously a lot of research done and she does point out some good points. It sounds like she wants to impose this “game” to their marriage, delegate while still supervising tasks instead of making the relationship a true partnership.
What gave this book only two stars was the tone.
Men are trash, woman are superior. Husband, if you don’t play this game, our whole marriage is at risks. She also make you put labels on yourself and your partner.
There’s too many good books out there about communication, vulnerability and partnerships that makes you feel empowered but also shine a positive light.
This book simply made me feel angry and made me think things about my partner that are not truly happening the way the author tries to make it seems.
Rating: really liked it
I first discovered Fair Play when browsing through Bustle and was intrigued by the concept of a system that gamifies the distribution of household work to achieve better balance. Curious to find out more, I immediately requested a copy from my library.
The premise of Fair Play is that all household related tasks are turned into cards to create a deck that is customized to your family, and then those cards are dealt (and re-dealt) as needed to establish who will be in charge of each task. It breaks this down into several steps that couples can follow to play the game. And if that’s what works for people, that’s wonderful. But I don’t necessarily know if this system will work for everyone.
In the end, Fair Play was a decent read. It did get somewhat repetitive as the book progressed and I skimmed the last quarter or so. What this book does do wonderfully is stress the importance of clear communication and gives a vocabulary for all players to use so that they are on the same page. If that sounds like something you need in your life, I’d recommend at least giving it a shot.
Rating: really liked it
If you follow me on social media, you know I have been going on and on about Fair Play but I am just so excited about it. I love parenting books, I love self-help and relationship books and as soon as I saw the premise of this I knew I needed to read it ASAP!
The adjustment to parenthood did not happen super easily for us both personally and in our relationship together. It was a huge transition and we struggled in many ways as we navigated our new roles and expectations of one another.
“On many days, feeling the full weight of exhaustion that would seize me the moment my baby was down and I was finally offline, I’d wonder What did I do all day? When even I couldn’t answer the question, there was no doubt in my mind that I’d lost all control of my time. Sound familiar?”
While we have learned a lot as the years have gone by, figuring out the daily logistics of life with work, marriage, kids and our household tasks is a constant juggling act. Fair Play both takes on and tackles the topics of the mental load, second shift, emotional labor and invisible work that in the 21st century still cause a great imbalance in many family’s home lives.
Not only is Eve Rodsky’s writing accessible and totally relatable, but it is also helpful! I love a good plan. I feel the absolute worst when life feels tough and I don’t know what my next steps are going to be. Even when things are still rocky, when I am moving forward, things always feel more manageable.
Rodsky created a simple and straightforward approach to help equitably restructuring the balance of domestic “duties” while also factoring in time to focus on creative and personal growth so that everyone feels fulfilled and happy.
While our relationship does follow a similar path as Rodsky’s (heterosexual married couple with kids) she has also done her due diligence. Rodsky worked with 500+ couples to include a wide variety of multiple social constructs which can alter perspectives, challenges, and accessibility so this book really is for everyone!
Her Q&A on her own website is super informative if you are looking to learn more about why she took on this project. Resources like this are so awesome to help raise awareness of these important conversations that are so important to navigating family life.
Thank you to Putnam for sending this amazing book mail and to Edelweiss for an ARC ebook edition.
Rating: really liked it
I thought this was interesting but ocelot idealistic. I think it would be useful for two full time working patents to go through this game together and play, but for SAHM, which Rodsky says she is also (mostly?) talking to, I think the most important message here is: make time for self care, adult relationships, and "unicorn space". And have your partner get on board with that. There, i just saved you having to read this book.
Rating: really liked it
My friend Julie, a mom and business owner said recently, "If I lean in any more, I will fall over." It stuck right to the heart of what so many women I know are dealing with as they strive for balance in career and family, always on the brink of falling off the edge. What if we had the opportunity to balance the scales at home? What if my husband and I decided to plan out the division of labor at home before we had kids? What if I could actually quantify my domestic workload and give my husband more than his 4%? I am finding answers in Eve's book and pretty excited about what could happen I planned home management the way I plan my business. This is a must-read in for women in 2019.
Rating: really liked it
I picked this up bc it was the Reese Witherspoon pick for October. My sis skimmed it and told me I could skip it, even though we are reading all the RW picks. It’s solely focused on moms with kids. This is not me. If I got anything from skimming the first few pages of this book, it’s that everyone’s time is valuable and my valuable time should be spent on a book I’ll enjoy more.
