User Reviews
Rating: really liked it
This book had a profound effect on me, however, of the negative variety. It did give me pointers on how to actually break out of my shell and "win friends" but in the long term, it did way more harm than good. Not the book per se, but my choice to follow the advice given there. The book basically tells you to be agreeable to everybody, find something to honestly like about them and compliment them on it, talk about their interests only and, practically, act like a people pleaser all the time.
It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people.
I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book *could* be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn.
If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run.
Thank you for reading this review.
Rating: really liked it
Dale, saying people's names often when you're talking to them, Dale, doesn't make you popular, Dale, it makes you sound like a patronizing creep.
This book is probably really handy when you're trying to befriend kindergarteners, not as much adults. It's also aimed at salespeople and not regular humans.
Rating: really liked it
Three things about this book surprised me and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would.
One - it seemed pretty much timeless. Not much anachronism here, because language still serves the same purposes as ever, and people still want basically the same things they've always wanted. I liked the examples taken from Abe Lincoln, etc.
Two - the techniques described in the book aren't duplicitous. We all try to do what the title says, just like everyone else, whether we're admitting it to ourselves or not. Readers are repeatedly encouraged to develop genuine interest in others, be honest and ethical, and obey the golden rule.
Three - I enjoyed it (read twice back to back) and it felt easy and natural to apply some of the ideas in my life. Shortly after reading this book, I was a little bit better at communicating and a little bit happier about my interactions with others in general.
Rating: really liked it
I bought this one in 2004 from an Amsterdam bookstore and it has been laying on my bookshelves since then. It's an icon of self help books and that was a problem because I kind of hate that genre. I decided to get rid of this one as well but not without trying, at least, to see if there is anything of value in it. Well, I was surprised to read some sensible advice and I decided to actually read more. charming in their archaic ways.
So, the book wasn't total garbage. As I said above, it had some good advice about the subject of win friends and influence people although there was a lot of filler in order to make his principle into a book. Some examples were really interesting others a bit ridiculous.
One of the problems I had with the author and one I find too often in self-help books is the condescending tone, the ones that tells you how smart he is and that she is the only one capable to tell you how success is achieved.
It was an interesting read, I learn some useful skills but it isn't groundbreaking anymore in my opinion.
Rating: really liked it
This is a sad book. A book that aims to turn us into manipulating individuals who would want to achieve their means through flattery and other verbal-mental tricks. Even technically, it seems to me that the ploys' in this book would never really work.
Here is a quote from the book -
“Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
And what does the book do? It tries, or at least pretends to turn you into a someone who would flatter everything that moves – so that you get - WHAT YOU WANT.
Most of us read so that we are inspired, moved, even shocked or atleast entertained by stories. We also read so that we understand better and stretch the possibilities of our minds and hearts, to be better human beings. We definitely do not read to become conniving ugly creatures to be held prisoners by our greed. And come on get a grip – this is essentially a sales book.
Rating: really liked it
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Dale Carnegie is a quintessentially American type. He is like George F. Babbitt come to life—except considerably smarter. And here he presents us with the Bible for the American secular religion: capitalism with a smile.
In a series of short chapters, Carnegie lays out a philosophy of human interaction. The tenets of this philosophy are very simple. People are selfish, prideful, and sensitive creatures. To get along with people you need to direct your actions towards their egos. To make people like you, compliment them, talk in terms of their wants, make them feel important, smile big, and remember their name. If you want to persuade somebody, don’t argue, and never contradict them; instead, be friendly, emphasize the things you agree on, get them to do most of the talking, and let them take credit for every bright idea.
The most common criticism lodged at this book is that it teaches manipulation, not genuine friendship. Well, I agree that this book doesn’t teach how to achieve genuine intimacy with people. A real friendship requires some self-expression, and self-expression is not part of Carnegie’s system. As another reviewer points out, if you use this mindset to try to get real friends, you’ll end up in highly unsatisfying relationships. Good friends aren't like difficult customers; they are people you can argue with and vent to, people who you don't have to impress.
Nevertheless, I think it’s not accurate to say that Carnegie is teaching manipulation. Manipulation is when you get somebody to do something against their own interests; but Carnegie’s whole system is directed towards getting others to see that their self-interest is aligned with yours. This is what I meant by calling him the prophet of “capitalism with a smile,” since his philosophy is built on the notion that, most of the time, people can do business with each other that is mutually beneficial. He never advocates being duplicitous: “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.”
Maybe what puts people off is his somewhat cynical view of human nature. He sees people as inherently selfish creatures who are obsessed with their own wants; egotists with a fragile sense of self-esteem: “People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner.”
Well, maybe it's just because I am an American, but this conception of human nature feels quite accurate to me. Even the nicest people are absorbed with their own desires, troubles, and opinions. Indeed, the only reason that it’s easy to forget that other people are preoccupied with their own priorities is because we are so preoccupied with our own that it’s hard to imagine anyone thinks otherwise. The other day, for example, I ran into my neighbor, a wonderfully nice woman, who immediately proceeded to unload all her recent troubles on me while scarcely asking me a single question. This isn’t because she is bad or selfish, but because she’s human and wanted a listening ear. I don’t see anything wrong with it.
In any case, I think this book is worth reading just for its historical value. As one of the first and most successful examples of the self-help genre, it is an illuminating document. Already in this book, we have what I call “Self-Help Miracle Stories”—you know, the stories about somebody applying the lessons from this book and achieving a complete life turnaround. Although the author always insists the stories are real, the effect is often comical: “Jim applied this lesson, and his customer was so happy he named his first-born son after him!” “Rebecca impressed her boss so much that he wrote her a check for one million dollars on the spot!” “Frank did such a good job at the meeting that one of his clients bought him a Ferrari, and another one offered him his daughter in marriage!” (These are only slight exaggerations.)
Because of this book’s age, the writing is quaint and charming. Take, for example, this piece of advice on how to get the most out of the book: “Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.” A lively game! How utterly delightful.
Probably this book would be far more effective if Carnegie included some exercises instead of focusing on anecdotes. But then again, it would be far less enjoyable reading in that case, since the anecdotes are told with such verve and pep (to quote Babbitt). And I think we could all use a little more pep in our lives.
Rating: really liked it
It's considered corny to read books like this, but that kind of cynicism is ultimately limiting and counterproductive. My dad forced me to read this book and it was one of the main things that pushed me out of my shyness and made me an amicable person.
Rating: really liked it
This is the most boring, tedious, inane book I've ever read. It is a total of 236 pages but the essence could be boiled down to 12 at most. Every chapter, he has one point summarized in a neat box at the end. I skimmed the rest. He gives you six examples when one or two would do. He deliberately repeats himself. He wastes the readers' time.
Do yourself a favor and just read the "In a Nutshell" summary points at the end of each chapter. You won't miss anything.
Rating: really liked it
There's actually some really great advice here that sort of stands the test of time.
But like most self-help books, a lot of the advice doesn't work in every situation and/or is just flat-out situational.
I also think the
winning friends part of the book is less about having true friendships than about how to win over a room or how to convince people to see things your way. I wouldn't think that smiling and being agreeable, which is great on the surface and a good way to behave in general, would lend itself to creating strong intimate relationships.
Everyone (whether they admit it or not) likes to see a bit of piss and vinegar in the personalities of their friends and lovers.
My two favorite pieces of advice were these:
Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. The author points out that when you humiliate someone their first instinct is to double down and try to prove that whatever they did or are doing is valid. It doesn't matter how right you are, the vast majority of people don't respond to criticism well at all.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.So true. Even if you win, you lose because that person will (once again) be humiliated and not be receptive to what you are trying to do. You may be completely
right, but you're just shooting yourself in the dick by getting into an argument over things.
You can smugly be
right,
or you can swallow that pride and choose to get things
done. If you want results, try to put yourself in the other person's place and use a softer hand. No one likes to be embarrassed.
Really the gist of everything this book talks about is just that you need to put yourself in the place of the person you need to win over. What do they want? <--probably recognition and compensation. What would they like to hear? <--praise over what they've done well will likely go a long way to smoothing over any hurt feeling when you discuss what you would like them to do differently.
It also talks about giving sincere compliments and just being the sort of person who de-escalates bad situations. However, as most people already know, it's impossible (and sort of stupid) to be that person
all the time or in every situation. Obviously, there will be times that you need to put your foot down and be firm about what you want. I think this book is just saying that you should try the nice way first.
Now I listened to a revised version, so some of the situations presented were updated. I didn't realize this was what I had until Stevie Wonder and a computer company were both used as various examples for something or other. I was like...1930
what?! I don't think so.
I would love-love to read the original text in all of its (I'm sure) outdated glory, but I suppose that will have to wait for another day.
I wasn't expecting to find this such a readable (listenable?) book, but I had no trouble getting through it at all.
Andrew Macmillian - Narrator
Rating: really liked it
Easy to understand advice for building and improving positive and successful relationships with people in all areas of your life. Not a book per se for making friends, although it certainly can be used that way (with a grain of salt perhaps), but more directly a book that promotes good communication, kindness, and the social skills to foster healthy and productive working relationships.
I can see how some people are taken aback by Carnegie’s advice. You have to be in the right frame of mind to truly gain from this book. Go into it with a reflective approach and a genuine and concentrated effort to gain wisdom and you will be rewarded with the insights to achieve the goodwill of others as well as solid and lasting relationships.
Rating: really liked it
I really liked this book! I feel like I learned SO much about being a good leader, influencing people, and bettering my social skills. I truly think the lessons I learned in this book will stick with me for life. :)
Rating: really liked it
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” ‘How to win friends and influence people’ is one of the best self-help books I read in 2018. It’s a very popular book that I managed to avoid for years simply because I thought it might have cliché advice that I’d probably already know and I won’t find anything useful. Boy, was I wrong! It definitely has pieces of advice you probably have heard a million times already, from your parents, teachers or just any adult; you listen and get inspired for like 15 minutes but you don’t spend time pondering on it and it’s forgotten. I guess you need to be in a certain state of mind to absorb opinions and ideas. This book had me in that state and was able to hold my attention throughout.
One of the most important things I took away from this book was ‘Give unto others what we would have others give unto us’. Now, I know everybody knows that! We, humans, are complex creatures; we have different personalities, temperaments, motivations but when everything is taken away, there are some core values that are similar in all of us. Our actions spring from what we desire, we crave appreciation, feeling of importance, and we want to be respected and listened to. This book tells you to peer into your mind and learn about yourself.
It’s really important to get to know yourself first, to know what you like and what you don’t. In order to influence people, you need to put yourself in their shoes and approach the situation in that way. This takes tactfulness and patience. The author also makes use of wise quotes from philosophers and great people to explain his ideas, which I really liked. He also gives examples from the lives of successful people to elaborate his point and also, gives pointers on how to incorporate those pieces of advice in our daily lives. Every advice given in this book is valuable, no matter how commonplace it is. I believe this book should be a necessary read for students in school and college.
All in all, it was very informative and useful book. There were so many great advises you could use in your daily life. I believe everyone should read this book at least once in their lives because it’s really worth your time.
Read On Blog
Rating: really liked it
This book is a life changer ! Really, I'm not making this up. This was exactly what I needed. Some things that are described in this book I realized before reading this book, but there were a lot of things I never thought about myself but are so true. I don't like conflicts and I found a lot of tips in this book about this topic..so how not to be in fights with people. Yaaay, my zen is safe! =)
Rating: really liked it
I’m so disappointed in this one. It’s been on my to-read list for years and I finally decided to pick it up. Firstly, it’s written in 1936 so it’s a bit outdated. But I knew this going in and was told by multiple people it’s timeless and a must read. But ... not so timeless. The examples were outdated and THE EXAMPLES! They where mainly business based, they were extremely egotistical, repetitive, and stretched out. Every point was basically a way to put other people before you and fake your way to make them like you. Not my forte. Many points started with “let the other person feel” ... “make the other person think” ... basically meaning fake your way through their BS. I skimmed through the last half and just found myself rolling my eyes the whole time. For a man that says people focus on themselves too much and use ‘I’ in every sentence ... he sure does think the world of himself and his success. Wasn’t a fan :/
Rating: really liked it
This was really the world's first self-help book and undoubtedly helped many people build their self-esteem. It is easy to read and its tenants are easy to follow. The one criticism that many have justly laid on it is the feeling that you are manipulating people into being your friends or accomplices (thus the "win" in the title). As such, the techniques work with a subpopulation of people you run into over the span of your life nut certainly not all of them. And true friendships are about depth and mutual respect so no techniques are required. A more appropriate use of the book is how to behave and fit in in corporate America and for that, other than losing the tie and the hat, manners and ambitions have not changed so much for the book to become irrelevant. I prefer Getting Things Done personally.
