User Reviews
Rating: really liked it
Audible Daily Deal: 9/16/19 for $1.95I’ve only read a few self-help style books, but I’m trying to improve my communication style not only in my own relationship but in my new job as a supervisor, so I’ve been on the lookout for something that would fit into that category and this fit the bill.
“Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.”
– Richard Carlson
There are some great things about this book.
First, is the length. The author comes right out and says that nothing bothers him more than a book that takes 300 pages to say something that could have been said in 50. So this is short and sweet, the author gets to the point gives some examples and moves on. I appreciate that being that I like my fluff in fiction and not self-help books.
Second, is the language. Since the author is not a therapist or has a bunch of letters after his name this reads well. The concept of validation is distilled down to layman’s language and it is easy to get. There are some real world examples that help solidify every concept or step and they feel natural with everyday verbage that I could see myself saying.
validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”
Third, for me was the biggest. Just because you validate an emotion does not mean that you agree. I’ve struggled with this one in the past the most. Just because you are acknowledging how a person is feeling and telling them you understand the feelings they are having does not mean that you agree with what is making them feel that way. Validation is not saying you’re right. I still struggle with this but it is a work in progress.
Overall this had some great tips for where to start on your journey to learning how to listen to people differently in a conversation and understand where they are coming from. It pointed out how some of our initial responses to situations, while trying to be helpful, might really invalidate someone’s feelings.
I liked that this was short and sweet and gave me things to work on in my day to day life without all the fluff and fodder I’ve found in some other books of this type. Even thought Michael isn’t a phycologist or therapist I thought his 4 step program and distillation of the information from his many years of therapy was really good and useful.
Rating: really liked it
A few jobs ago, I attended a two-day work seminar which consisted of educating managers and supervisors how to motivate employees and build a strong team. One section dealt with communication techniques, particularly with folks who were anywhere along the mildly upset to angry spectrum. One of the key points to having a successful outcome involved validating the other person. I wasn’t sure if author Michael S. Sorensen would have anything new to add, but as Les Brown said, “It’s always good to be reminded of what you know.”
I am glad to say that, not only did I receive a reminder, but Mr. Sorensen added a few more ideas that I can add to my conversation toolbox. The advice he offers are not tricks, but tried-and-true methods that work. These suggestions can be used anywhere, anytime, at home with family (including children) or at work with co-workers. The author includes sections to address some of the specific issues you might encounter when dealing with a young child or a peer who has misjudged your actions and publicly criticized you. He also includes many examples to demonstrate how his methods can be employed in everyday conversations.
One item I really appreciated was that the author did not artificially inflate his book with unnecessary chapters or words. His writing is succinct, to the point, with just enough said so you can understand and immediately begin using these ideas. Recommended for anyone who finds in daily conversations with other people. Five stars.
My thanks to GoodReads, where I won this book in a Giveaway Contest and, after reading it, I chose to write a review.
Rating: really liked it
Despite the absolute fundamental application of this validation principle, I've never heard it spoken of in all my years of communication study. What a pity because incorporating validation will absolutely 110% improve relationships, which is a truly exciting thought. Who DOESN'T want to understand? Who DOESN'T want to be understood?
At it's essence, validation is offering the affirmation every human being unconsciously seeks. The only reason I could think of that it would be overlooked in literature would be that it's so basic, so integral, authors must not deem it complicated enough to write about. Again, a pity.
As my own proof of how strongly I feel,
I Hear You has been highlighted, marked up, noted, and will be placed next to my very few other "to re-read" books, once it's made the rounds of everyone I recommended it to.
I won this book off a Giveaway and am genuinely glad I did.
Rating: really liked it
The book in a nutshell:
1. Empathize
2. Validate their emotions
And then, if requested
3. Provide your perspective /recommendations
4. Finish with final validation
Most often only 1 and 2 is needed. Providing perspectives and advice without validating people's emotions and recognizing that their emotions are understandable/acceptable is a frequent flaw committed by most people.
I found the above convincing and paying more attention to validating people's feelings and emotions is surely sound advice.
The author overplays and simplify John Gottman's relationship theories. He provides very little advice beyond the above (which he however exemplifies fairly well).
It is an OK short read but it is very limited in scope.
Rating: really liked it
(Won through a Goodreads giveaway! Thank you to author Michael Sorensen for providing me a free e-copy.)
The introduction was a little off-putting; it’s very clear that, as Sorensen himself states, he doesn’t have much experience as a writer: overly descriptive language, cliches, excessive italics, and multiple grammatical errors (whose/whose, their/there/they’re). Most relevantly, the suggested lines and dialogue samples don’t quite read as natural, which doesn’t help his point about using them to replace the standard platitudes (“It could be worse,” etc).
But he’s clearly done some research — and admits upfront that the book is primarily based on personal experience rather than scientific backing, which doesn’t completely invalidate his advice but does make it less credible, especially since the majority of his example conversations are completely theoretical.
Not that I’m an expert either, but I had some fundamental disagreements with some of his suggestions. Explaining that you relate to the other person’s experience is all well and good, but not enough emphasis was given to how easy it is to make it about yourself (and I thought his examples did fall on that side, even if he does “redirect” to his conversational partner at the end). And as I understand “I statements,” the point isn’t to preface exactly what you were going to say otherwise — “I feel that you never take out the trash,” for example, will probably still put the addressee on the defensive — but rather to reframe the situation: “I feel like my time isn’t valued because I end up having to do most of the chores. If you could take out the trash earlier, it would help.”
Thankfully this book was a short one, the kind you can get through in a single sitting. Which is intentional, so you can “immediately start applying” his Four-Step Method in real life — a little presumptuous, but I guess it’s a fair assumption that you picked up this book because you wanted to read what he had to say.
Rating: really liked it
This is one of the best self-improvement or skill-improvement guides that I have ever come across. It is short, concise, direct, and easy to digest. Like many others, I am sure, I have tried to use active listening techniques in the past and found them obvious, programmatic and insincere. This book describes a truly empathic way to listen.
Although I don't just expect to change my habits and approach quickly and completely (I am not that easy to change), I intend to go back to this a few more times to make sure I can extract as much as possible and get the greatest benefit from it. I have already recommended it to others and expect that it will be a frequent recommendation of mine in the future.
Rating: really liked it
I wish more self-help books were like this. There is hardly an extra word here, it recognizes nuance where it exists, and it reflects the conclusions of the research, not just the author's opinion and experience.
Sorenson's steps for listening include:
How to Listen empathically
How to engage in Micro and Macro Validation
How to Ask for Permission and how to Give Feedback
How to Validate Again (it's worth repeating) and how to Validate Vulnerability
It may be that you have intuited some of what is in this book. But even if you get a lot of complements on your listening skills, this book is worth your time. I will certainly be re-reading it.
I implore you to listen to me and reading this book on listening. Hear me when I say you won't regret it :p
Rating: really liked it
I received this book through a Goodreads giveaway
This book is a concise review of essential listening skills. It does not, as many personal development books do, spend a lot of time explaining why you might want to read the book/acquire these skills (this always frustrates me. You've already got me as a reader. Let's get right to the substance). Short and sweet without claiming to reveal anything terribly new, this is the kind of book I appreciate to help me to review and recalibrate. Am I the kind of listener who leaves others feeling validated? Or do I blunder in with advice before knowing whether my advice is wanted or even based on the whole story? If I had children I think I would use this book to help me teach them interpersonal skills. As it is I'll be glad to have it on my kindle to reread and double check myself.
Rating: really liked it
Good information.
Rating: really liked it
This book is REALLY good and useful. I’ve read a lot of self-help books, and this one really stands out in that it focuses on a single skill: validation. Whenever someone tells you something (positive or negative), rants to you, etc., they are likely seeking validation. What that means is that they just want their feelings and emotions to be understood. It’s important to recognize that they are NOT necessarily looking for advice.
Validation comprises identifying the emotions of a person and then empathizing with these emotions--giving a justification as to why they are rightly felt. When engaging in a conversation, listen carefully and ask calibrated questions to uncover more about the situation and to get them to talk more. Afterwards, you can validate.
This book had some interesting insights about validation that I hadn’t even thought of beforehand. Firstly, you don’t necessarily have to agree with another person’s point of view to validate. This is because validation is solely based justifying the EMOTIONS of another person not the hard facts or outcome of the situation. Secondly, validation is important not just for negative, vulnerable moments, but in celebratory moments as well. Lastly, it’s essential to not give invalidating feedback, no matter how tempting or automatic it may be. For instance, if someone is upset about a breakup. Don’t say something like it's no big deal you deserved better; this is just invalidating. Instead, you should validate their emotions by empathizing with their hardship.
Overall, I Hear You was super concise and practical. The last chapter was especially good because it gave a handful of example validation scenarios--helping the reader get a better sense of how to implement the aforementioned skills. I’d highly recommend this book, one of the best self-help books I’ve read thus far.
Rating: really liked it
"Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart" - Richard Carlson
Such a simple concept and yet it seems like the need frequently goes unmet. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who is obviously listening to the words you're saying but didn't seem to get what you meant? Or understood your point and were obviously disconnected from the emotion or weight of the situation?
I Hear You by Michael S. Sorensen is all about the power of validation and how to use it in your life. I have to say this little book is fantastic! Sorensen explains the problem and common traps we fall into, how we're unknowingly invaldiating by trying to jump straight to giving advice or negate a persons feelings with phrases like "you'll be fine" or "that's not true, you did great!" and the like. It explains why these conversations feel like they're unsatisfying. He then offers a very simple, easy to follow solution that I've already started incorporating into my daily life. I'm really glad I read this and would recommend it to others.
I won this book for free in a Goodreads giveaway.
Rating: really liked it
Thanks, Macayla for the recommendation/book loan. This was a really easy and practical read and will make you excited to be a better listener and thus a better friend or spouse or coworker or what have you. Time to put those phones away and practice some good ol’ fashioned listening and validation!
Rating: really liked it
Loved the book! It had me to reevaluate my relationships.This is a great self-help book!
Rating: really liked it
**OBTAINED: Goodreads Giveaway**
I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships"More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle.” I Hear You by Michael S. Sorensen, is a really valuable look into the skill of Validation in terms of relationships, whether that be personal, such as romantic relationships, family relationships, friendships to casual acquaintances or professional relationship and general interactions with strangers. Although I am already fairly aware of validation as a relationship/social skill I suppose I have never really heard anyone define it and its many usages before. I could not personally articulate it, so it was very fascinating and reassuring to hear an author voice the importance of it in this manner. Here is what the book blurb says:
"+ 2018 IPA Book Award Winner What if making one tweak to your day-to-day conversations could immediately improve every relationship in your life? In this 3-hour, conversational read, you’ll discover the whats, whys, and hows of one of the most valuable (yet surprisingly little-known) communication skills—validation.
Whether you’re looking to improve your relationship with your spouse, navigate difficult conversations at work, or connect on a deeper level with friends and family, this book delivers simple, practical, proven techniques for improving any relationship in your life.
Mastery of this simple skill will enable you to:
• Calm (and sometimes even eliminate) the concerns, fears, and uncertainties of others
• Increase feelings of love, respect, and appreciation in your romantic relationships
• Quickly resolve, or even prevent, arguments
• Help others become open to your point of view
• Give advice and feedback that sticks
• Provide support and encouragement to others, even when you don’t know how to “fix” the problem
• And much more
In short: this skill is powerful. Give the principles and practices in this book a chance and you’ll be amazed at the difference they can make." -Book Blurb
The book is short, clear and concise. It is written by the author to share his own knowledge and personal experiences using these tools. This book is a great resource. It’s great to finally see a book discussing this rarely discussed topic. I am very appreciative that Mr. Sorensen has and will be recommending this book to those I feel it might benefit or that struggle with communicating with those around them.
I Hear You really is an easy read, but one with many valuable lessons on communication. This skill, Validation, has greatly helped me navigate many of life’s scenarios and conflicts over the years. I would strongly recommend this book if you or someone you love struggles with empathy, expression and general communication.
[OFFICIAL RATING: 5 STARS]
FURTHER QUOTATIONS: "Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation and looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation with the other person and feeling the emotion with them (e.g. “Wow, this is sad”)."
"Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion."
"Reflective listening is essentially the act of repeating back to someone, in your own words, what they have just said. The idea here is that you 1) check to see if you’ve heard them correctly, and 2) help them realize you are listening.”
"Validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.” Effective validation has two components: It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion"
"Remember: everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Remember that we are all looking for love, appreciation, and connection. And remember that, regardless of age, gender, background, or ethnicity, being listened to—and heard—is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.”
Rating: really liked it
Having been lectured endlessly by professors about the importance of finding reliable sources for academic papers, I was really shocked when I read the introduction for this book and discovered that Sorensen isn't necessarily an "academic" or professional in the field of communication. It made me really skeptical about reading his book. If you're going to purchase a "how-to" book that you earnestly want to learn from, you generally want to ensure that you're using a trusted, reliable resource. In my experience, that means the book should cite specific studies and have a long list of references in the back of the book.
But, since I already had the book, I gave it a try anyway.
One of the main points that he stresses is the importance of validating someone when they're speaking. This means that rather than trying to be effective or instrumental in your responses, like by offering a solution to a problem, you should focus on validating the individual's emotions. Just try to emphasize with them and show emotional support. People like to feel heard and understood. It's not a revolutionary concept, but if you've never heard it before, just hearing it can reinforce for you what a difference you can make in your relationships if you change your approach in how you listen to others and respond to them amidst a conflict.
Basically, if you've never really read much on the topic before, this book could be a nice warm up for you to see how you can improve your relationships. If you're a little more well versed in this topic, you may not learn anything too new. I think the premier source for good relationship advice is John Gottman's "The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work" (and he is a well respected scholar in his field). It's geared towards marriage, but all of his seven principles can easily be applied to any relationship you have.
*I received this book through the Goodreads First Reads program, and, in exchange, I provided an honest review.
